Gossip Girl S1 E16

Oh HELLO!

What’s new, pussycats? Did you hear that some young royal Brit is banging his stepmother?

That’s soooooooooo interesting.  Season 2, you’ve had your fun, but all good things, such as the Republican National Convention, must come to an end. Spotted: Season 1 Episode 16, back from a mysterious absence. The bitch is back. In fact, ‘the queen’ is back if you don’t feel uncomfortable mixing your metaphors or at least your references to British royalty and if you think that Serena is anything more than a middling contributor to the field hockey team who is pretty adept with a curling iron and eventually turns in her math homework even though she always seems to have an excuse. An excuse like the RACE CARD.

[Note: 1. Yes this is a legitimate journalistic organization, so we’re not taking sides in either fight, NOT TO MENTION the firefight in Pakistan. Literally, NOT TO MENTION. 2. Or you can choose to look at it this way: We love Serena because her hair tickles our skin and sometimes she’s so sad when it’s not even her fault even though she KINDA knows Fannie and Freddie Mortimer. But we have her doubts even though she is so, so pretty because why is she so against doing cocaine? Why is he so against doing cocaine? Why didn’t she REALLY kill someone, like REALLY REALLY kill someone in a rape-murder tragi-dramedy, or by filleting someone’s face and leaving the body parts scattered willy-nilly in the Rem Koolhaas-designed Prada flagship only to be discovered months later as actually NOT INTENTIONAL!? Leave me free to bitterly cling to my bitterness and also my Angostura bitters! Or at the very least, give me something to talk about. And that’s why I was supporting John Blair McCain IIVXIL for President but only until Halloween right before Election Day when we were all going to get loaded at the all-female Rocky Horror afterparty and plant our remaining weed (but ‘plant’ as in ‘criminally’ not ‘horticulturally’ for one last hurrah!) and then go off to Alaska in a wind-powered bus where we’ll live in Wasilla, Wasilla which is like Canada, this little place that is god, so stimulating in its use of whitespace and GIVE ME A STIMULANT okay better now, yes, to Wasilla where we will work this really great oil drilling jobs that are so fulfilling and will give me some inspiration for my writing and haha skiing. But the Queen is back? Who is the Queen again? Okay. Whatever you say, all on board, hold me close and don’t fucking touch my hair.]

Gossip Girl Season 1, Episode 16 and Monday’s Earthquake in Sichuan, China that left 12,000+ Dead

Georgina sneezed.

Gossip Girl Season 1, Episode 16 and the 2008 Presidential Election

It is understood: Gossip Girl Season 1, Episode 16 is a crystalline reflection of society as we know it. Gossip Girl Season 1, Episode 16 represents the whole truth of life. It is not only a passive phenomenon— representing reality— but an active one, too, reshaping events of past, present and future with every flicker of Blair’s eyes. It transcends time and space, replicating on the simple streets of the Upper East Side but also on the muddied fields of the Boer War. It is a small, perfect vessel which allows us to understand ourselves, our world, and particle physics. And it knows everything before we do.

It knows, for example, that Serena is Barack Obama. Not simply because they both share bad-kid pasts. But because Serena, like Barack Obama, dreams of her father. Notice how both are so bludgeoned by the worlds they straddle: the Palace, Brooklyn, Hawaii, Indonesia, Los Angeles, New York, Chicago, the television. See their soft, lovely skin, and know that when Barack Obama speaks of ending racial hatred, he is speaking not only as a black man but as a blonde.

Serena and Blair Waldorf— I mean John McCain— have much in common. They are bonded for life— not only by their selves, but by their facades. Inextricably linked by a double helix of Gossip Girl fame and independents’ mania, all that matters is that we See them. See them as foils, as shimmering matching tupperware sets, and as the two sides of a Whirlpool freezer-fridge. The freezer and the fridge, which can survive somewhat separately but live off the same power supply, the same ravenous household. Just as Serena lives peacefully within Barack Obama, Blair is the twin of John McCain. They revel in their conservatism, but secretly struggle to escape. Sexed twice? Married twice. Thick, white tights? Tighty whiteys. As Blair slipped off her dress to dance at Victrola, John McCain put on her dress— the zipper stuck a bit— and voted for the war in Iraq.

Jenny Humphrey, indubitably, is Mike Huckabee— yes, Huckabee, whose formerly full frame reverberates through the universe and re-enters the world as tired yogurt jokes. But gone, for now.

Ahh, yes. And now we come to Georgina. Georgina the globe-trotter, Georgina who is so universally reviled. We hate Georgina, we love Georgina, and eventually it all means the same thing. Georgina is dating a Swiss prince but she is unhappy with being a mere princess. And while Serena/Barack Obama came back first, it is Georgina— also known as Hillary Clinton— who has made the greatest comeback.

What does this mean? It means Youtube. Some might say that it means that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had a threesome on video and then Barack Obama murdered someone.

Nay, I say. It means that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton WILL have a threesome on video and then Barack Obama WILL kill someone. Do not forget that the Gossip Girl threesome has not happened yet. For according to Gossip Girl, events become reality only after they are known by Gossip Girl.

Clearly, Barack Obama will participate in a drug-fueled, kinky threesome with two VP possibilities: Hillary and an unknown third. The third will be murdered. Hillary will smile. And Barack Obama will go running to John McCain. UNITY ‘08!

Until next time, XOXO,

Gossip Girl (you might know me by my other name)

Additionally: the blarney stone, to people outside new york, conjures up idea of SKILLED WRITING (like… in Ireland).  is this a self-referential holla by the gossip girl writers?  or a clever prank played on gossip girl by some haywire tipsters?